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Just this past February, I married my now husband who has been in the military for about 20 years and is still young and hip to keep going! He is only 39!  Good thing he doesn’t have an account and my thoughts on this very blog meant that he would never read it.  Anyway, when we first got married he was still in the reserves and was pushing his way back to active.  I was excited.  A new journey for me and my daughter.  (I have a 13-year-old girl going on 30 and running the world!)  His first duty station was Korea, but I could not go, because the base was shutting down and I am on a program called the EMFP, it is for military dependents to continue their care that needs special attention. I have PTSD and anxiety and sometimes depression when I don’t get enough sun. So I take two prescriptions that need to be written by a specialist.  I promise you that I am not crazy, my emotions sometimes get the best of me.  Anywho, back to the Korea thing, since I couldn’t go they gave my husband new orders for Fort Hood, TX.  I was like Texas? really? I wasn’t ecstatic, it was only Texas.  Hot ass Texas! He had to report there on the first of August of this year, and talk about blazing!  I just couldn’t with Texas.  You see I am whiter than white! I cannot do heat like this.  But this is our life for the next 3-4 years. As we move into our place which looks like a mini-concentration camp, (well the whole damn neighborhood does.) I could not help to see how roomy it was. We got a 3bd 2br and a bonus room which is now my husbands’ man cave.  That’s okay.  He had his room, I had mine and then my daughter had hers. It was a nice one level place.  It had so many doors but I was okay with it.  Well partly okay with it only because our kitchen had two doors and then a side door, so thinking to myself, was I too far off on the whole concentration camp thing? anyway, that was the one too many doors I didn’t care for.  So now this is my new life for the next few years, the only bad thing that was weighing on me is that my daughter didn’t come with us.  She stayed back with her dad and that’s ok.  But it definitely makes it harder for me.  Thank God for Apple iPhones and Facetiming.  I couldn’t live a day without seeing my baby girl on the phone. I even got Instagram and snapchat just so I can stay up with the times especially when it came to my daughter she had every social media app, so I had too.  She would post things that she would never send to me in a million years, but I had access to it because I had the app for it.  Not only was I completely numb to the fact she didn’t come with us, but it was also so new for me.  You see I stayed in my box in Maryland.  Never really ventured out.  If I did for a few days, I would turn around and come back home because I got so homesick. The first month was pure adrenaline and it didn’t really calm down until we received the household items that were shipped to us, which took all of a damn month to get!  It was so frustrating, to say the least.  So we got an air mattress and some pillows and a blanket from good ole Walmart.  That is what the excitement was for those thirty days.  We didn’t have a lot of things coming to us, because we wanted to start over and get rid of our prior relationships memories and burn them and start new memories of our own and put our taste together.  And that is exactly what we did. We filled up our home with all new things.  It was feeling like home again.  Once the newness of getting things situated in our home, the newness started to wear off.  Like most things do.  To put excitement back into the home, we rescued a lab mix from a shelter and named her Lexi.  I have no idea what she is mixed with but our Nylah had a friend to play with.  Shoot, I forgot to tell you all we had one dog and my daughter named her Nylah only because she looked like Simba’s friend from the Lion King.  So yeah there is that.  Anywho, Nylah and Lexi are inseparable. Lexi picked up some bad habits from Nylah who chews on everything no matter what it is.  It is okay though, they get along for the most part and they love the outdoors.  With this house, we get a pretty decent backyard.   So they are out there the majority of the time.  It is now October, and I met some military wives and a lot of them are so ridiculous.  Ridiculous how you say?  Let us just say cady ness isn’t even a word that could describe these moms!  But I did meet my tribe of mommas.  Even though I didn’t have my daughter here with me they made me feel right at home.  I even got a cool job as a barista at Starbucks making next to nothing.  I needed to get out of the house!  The depression was setting in and I was like nope we are not doing this.  My husband’s unit is deploying sometime after March 2019, so I needed to be part of the FRG which is a group of military wives or husbands who help the soldier’s and their families to cope with the separation of their deployment and to have fun things to do each month to make the time go by fast or at least bearable.  I was like I need to sign up and become a member and just like that I am in the FRG, I get to find out the classified stuff no one is supposed to know about. Well, maybe not that dramatic but you see what I mean.   So currently. the FRG is hosting a trunk or treat for the entire battalion and I am on bake sale duty.  Which I don’t mind baking, it is the eating while making the goodies is what gets me!  Anyways, I have to do that very soon considering we are down to the end of the month and it will be here before you know it.  I need to make that trip to the store soon.  Did I mention I am a procrastinator? Yep, you would think I would have my shit together but most days I don’t.  Today I am giving myself a break.  I have been having full blown anxiety attacks all day and I can’t seem to shake it.  This is the part I wish wasn’t needled into my DNA, but it is.  It actually comes from both sides of my family.  Lucky me right? I did, however, manage to get angry enough to go for a walk outside today, I needed it badly.  The sun finally decided to show up today after weeks of rain and coldness.  I put my earbuds in and listened to Rachel Hollis’s “Girl wash your face,” audible.  I love how I can relate to her on so many levels.  It is nice to be able to listen to another mom and their struggles to make it where they are now.  Except for me, I keep having this revolving door of anxiety come at me so often.  I know exercise and eating right will help get you out of the funk.  But I just didn’t have the energy or the willpower to do any of these things.  Not saying I’m lazy.  I am saying I am scared more than I like to admit. It makes my days that much harder to be normal.  I feel bad for my husband because he sees me like this and I know it is hard for him to understand only because he looks at me like a deer in highlights.  Truth be told, everyone who struggles with this daily, goes through it differently.  It is so hard to tell how you feel without them truly knowing how you feel inside.  Anxiety and stress put a number on your body physically, mentally and emotionally and without support, it is so hard to manage it without the right resources.  So currently sitting on the corner side of the couch, which is usually my comfort zone and writing this, I am trying so hard to figure out why today of all days why did I feel like a complete waste of space and time.  Why I physically felt disgusting and what was going on in my body that I couldn’t understand.  The anxiety peeks out when it wants to and I don’t get a say so in the matter.  I have to deal with it as it comes along and that alone is scary.  I think as I have gotten older, it has gotten worse.  I remember about a year ago, I was in this state and I got up and started eating right and working out and I have never felt so alive.  Why did I stop? What happened to the old me?  Is it because I was slowly moving to the uphill of the older people that had already turned 50?  Well, whatever it is, I wanted it gone, because I wasn’t only too far away to be close to 50 but not far away enough as far as wisdom like a 50-year-old. I am only 37!

Today I woke up feeling a certain way.  I felt lost, confused and tense, I don’t know where that came from, I am taking on more than I can chew.   I feel that what I do isn’t good enough and just get me by, I want to be someone do something and be take care of my responsibilities.  Right now I am just venting.  I am currently at work, and I get here and my superior yells, I mean yells and makes me feel like a worthless nothing.  There are things that have always been set in stone and when I use that information that was told to me and then she goes and screams, I mean I guess it is partly my fault but whatever.  This isn’t a depression piece, just having a moment.  I am glad that I am getting off within 50 mins,  I think maybe I need a drive or more sleep either way I want to get rid of this feeling.  Oh before I forget my husband was cursing at me over via text. ugh the struggle to keep my composure is so hard.  ugh stupid ppl

It’s 1am and I’m wide awake. I’ve been staying up all hours of the night just thinking about things, mostly my fears. I put my mind threw hell and it sucks. Emotionally drained, scared..

My mind is on turbo speed with shots of nos! They say women with children do not sleep thru the night, researchers are at a loss of why? I think is because of the constant I need to do list, like there is a half gallon of milk left with a family of seven, that’s not going to work! Bills are half paid just enough to leave things on, the car needs a oil change, the husband works nights and I catch myself doing the same thing every night, If I write these things down I still forget to do the things I wrote so no point! Kids have soccer practice and girlscouts and just got season passes for the family to have a good summer, hopefully my mind won’t explode, ugh I almost forgot to do finish the laundry!!

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“YOU ARE NEVER GIVEN A DREAM WITHOUT GIVEN THE POWER TO MAKE IT COME TRUE.”

Waking up to the sound of the beach, the waves crashing onto the sand is so refreshing? right?  Well it is, in my dreams.  I often wake up hoping that I don’t have an anxiety attack, and the aftermaths of it.  I open my eyes and look around.  I hear the fan blowing and the curtains moving because of the circulation of the wind speed of the blades of the fan.  I get to go to the bathroom and stubble my way in and keep all lights off because I haven’t adjusted to the light yet.  You see I have black out curtains so the world doesn’t look in and if I wanted to I could look out without any hesitation.  Anyhow, I am thinking of what to do today?  Am I strong enough to make it to work? or do I just lay in bed and check my Facebook news feed all day long?  Which I might add that I have done so many times.  Today,  I had to get out.  I had no choice.  They are renovating my apartment for the next three days and I am here in the library writing about anything that comes across my mind.  I did have a slight anxiety today.  I guess the fear is the unknown and what is out there for me to explore.  Well I am thinking I am going to pick up on the latest gossip and laugh about how the kardashians are complete idiots and the world worships the ground they walk on.  sigh* whatever.

Love in the fast lane?.

Is it so hard that society has us wooed into thinking that sex with anyone is okay being in a relationship? What does true love mean? A spark of intimate passion for the first 24? The long walks on the beach for eternity? Whatever it is, I hope you find it.